The deed is done. My first sports bet has been placed, with a bonus one for good measure.

There’s so much I don’t know about sports betting that I didn’t know where to begin researching, so I pulled up an app and blundered my way through it. I went with MGM because while I’ve been seeing Jamie Foxx’s face a lot more than usual lately, their ads aren’t as omnipresent as, say, FanDuel or DraftKings. (Expect this level of logic in all areas of this column.)

Initial observations: The fact that they needed part of my social security number really drove home how serious this was. And why do they keep track of how long you’re on the app? For security reasons, I guess, but it felt like more of a guilt-inducing Screen Time situation.

And with all of a half hour of sports betting experience under my belt, I already suspect how they “getcha.” This thing was littered with potential bets and massive-looking paydays, but the chances of said thing happening are so slim. If you’re willing to risk it, there’s a pile of money. But more than likely, you’re left eating ramen.

After so many years of producing sports sections that include betting lines, nodding at those mystery numbers, I know what one of them means. The Chiefs are favored by 6.5 points on this app. The Patriots have a handicap, a buffer, of 6.5 points. So if I bet on them and they lost by a field goal, I’d still win. That seems generous but I’m sure it’s not.

I took advantage of two promotions. The first was a “free” bet. (I’m assured it actually was “free” but those quotation marks are staying. I approach this with all the trust of my basset hound Winston after I fake him out with a tennis ball throw.) You picked who scored the first touchdown in three NFL games. Though your best option may seem obvious, I know logically, there is no rhyme or reason to getting this right. If it hadn’t been free, I wouldn’t have touched it. But still, armed with the percentages of other betters’ selections, I went for that $5. That will, no doubt, go toward more betting. Hm.

Then came time for the real, and yet somehow fake money. I didn’t put my newfound “favored” knowledge to use this week. I bet on Cam Newton’s stats, making it a player prop bet. According to our handy Gazette glossary, which I will be leaning on heavily: “A bet on something not involving the score or total points scored. Gamblers can wager on the number of statistics a player might accumulate in a given game.”

I get $50 a week (all proceeds at the end to Gazette charities) and under this promotion – unless I read the fine print wrong – if I lose the lot, I get it all back. I put it all on him passing for more than 1.5 touchdowns. When he lays waste to my fantasy team this Sunday, there’s a silver lining.

Nothing to lose. Isn’t that what they all say?

In future weeks, we’ll go into parlays, pushes and other concerns. In the immediate future we’ll circle back around to how the house makes money and determining payouts, because even though that was explained to me in detail multiple times, I still don’t have it down yet, and maybe you don’t either. Hopefully my $50 sprouts and grows on its own because I certainly don’t know how to fertilize it yet.

Come on, Cam. Do it for charity.

Damage: Even, for now.

National Problem Gambling Helpline: 1-800-522-4700

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