Everything I know about parlays I learned from the genre-bending cinematic ode to mental illness, sports, family and ballroom dancing, Silver Linings Playbook.

In that movie, Robert DeNiro’s Pat Solitano Sr. wants to open a cheesesteak restaurant. He makes a bet with Randy, who is clearly the villain. Animal abuser? Nay. Really his only known trait is that he’s a Cowboys fan. That’s called character building, folks, and I’ve never seen it done so efficiently.

Solitano bets on his Eagles beating Randy’s Cowboys, and against his family’s wishes, adds a parlay – his son’s score in a dance competition. It’s a side bet, the peppers on top.

“A series of two or more bets so set up in advance that the original stake plus its winnings are risked on the successive wagers,” Merriam-Webster says.

But I’ve heard another definition: “sucker bet.”

I was advised to zero out my account before adding any more money, so we’re going to try a $5 four-team parlay to get some cheddar back. All four results have to be spot-on to collect. If any are wrong, it’s all wrong.

So this week, in the role of “the Eagles”…the lowly Cowboys being slightly better than the pitiful Washington Football Team. And playing the “ballroom dancing competition”…my N.C. State Wolfpack staying within striking distance of Carolina.

Plus a few others. Let’s get this bread.

Last week I made the grave error of underestimating Solitano Sr.’s Eagles…five times. He’d be rightfully ticked at me if he existed. I had, at $10 each: The Giants winning by 7-12 points; the Giants winning, ya know, at all; Darius Slayton scoring the first touchdown (yes, I knew that was a longshot) and the Eagles recording more than 25.5 points (that was a legitimate, finger-slippage accident). The only correct wager was a point total of under 52.5, which paid out a grand sum of $4.20.

That’ll keep your brand-new restaurant in paper napkins for a few hours.

Did Solitano make his dreams come true? The movie’s on Netflix.

Do I break even? Tune in next time.

The damage: -$45

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Cheapskate: If you never ask, the answer is always no

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Cheapskate: I’ll take the over. I think.