It’s been a little more than a year since Arapahoe County sheriff’s deputy Keli Hoffmann’s world flipped upside down.

After a long shift at the Arapahoe County Sheriff’s Office last January, Hoffmann headed home after work like any other day, but when she went home, something was different.

Hoffmann, who lives alone, noticed her front door was open. But before she could even reach for her handgun, her father — who has a key to her home — walked outside across the lawn and uttered three painful words regarding her brother.

“Doug killed himself,” her father said. While he embraced his only daughter in the driveway of her home.

“It was just complete shock,” Hoffmann said. “(My parents) stayed for about an hour, and I called a friend, talked to her, and once I hung up with her, I broke down and pretty much cried the rest of the night.”

For Hoffmann, like many others in similar positions, processing and grieving the loss of her only brother hasn’t been straightforward, nor easy. But throughout the support she’s gained since Jan. 26, 2020, she built up the courage to share her story and help others dealing with similar pain through her new book: “Forever 36: The Journey through Grief after the Suicide of a Family Member.”

Shortly after Doug’s death, Hoffmann found herself unsure of how to process and grieve the loss of her older brother. Eventually, she began attending in-person support group meetings.

But after the coronavirus pandemic hit Colorado, those groups, like schools, offices and state agencies, went virtual. Though virtual groups were still helping, Hoffmann said it wasn’t comparable to actual in-person meetings, and she began searching for other avenues of support.

Hoffmann found multiple Facebook groups dedicated to family members and friends who have lost someone to suicide, and she began seeking help from thousands of other people like her.

During those conversations, which continue to this day, there were smiles and laughter, but also moments of utter sadness that were filled with tears that flowed down her face.

Hoffmann struck up several conversations with members of the group and they began questioning why there isn’t a book or guide to help people in similar positions. They began encouraging Hoffmann to write one, both because of her experiences and because she loved to write and read. 

There were plenty of questions posed in the groups that she could tackle: Should I get the police report? Should I see a medium? Is this feeling normal? 

Still, she was reluctant to write a book at first.  

“I started thinking about the idea, but I didn’t want to put my personal story out there,” Hoffmann said.

“But my people in my support group … they were encouraging me to because there’s such a shroud of silence surrounding suicide, and really mental health in general, and if we don’t speak about it, we’re never going to change that.”

After pondering the idea for around two weeks, Hoffmann decided to share her story with the world and attempt to break the silence.

Jeremy Jones, the CEO of Jones Media Publishing based in Phoenix, learned about the book from a mutual contact and began talking with Hoffmann about publishing her story. 

Jones said he was immediately interested in Hoffmann’s book because of the severity of the story and the potential impact it could have on people and readers, particularly as depression, anxiety and other mental illnesses are at all-time highs. 

“Although it’s a very tragic experience as she writes about (her story), she really wants to help people through the mourning of the loss of a family member because mental health is a big issue,” said Jones. 

“We thought this book could help people relate to that situation and help them on their own journey.”

According to a Kaiser Family Foundation report, 41.1% of adults in the United States have reported symptoms of anxiety or depression since the lockdown began through January 2021. This is a 31.1% increase when compared to reports made from January to June 2019.

For several months, Hoffmann shed many tears while she wrote the 130-page book. She called it “Forever 36,” after her brother’s age when he died. 

On March 3, all of Hoffmann’s hard work, determination and pain paid off as “Forever 36” was published and made available to the general public.

Although the book is intended for people who have lost someone to suicide, Hoffmann said she purposely added additional information to help educate those not grieving. 

For those who have never experienced such loss, the book provides information about what’s considered acceptable, and what’s not, when dealing with or talking to grieving people. For instance, the term “committed suicide” is considered offensive to many people who have lost a loved one. 

But regardless of the book’s reach, Hoffmann isn’t gauging the success of it by how many copies it sells or the reviews it gets. It’s about helping people like her.

“I hope that people who actually experience the loss get some comfort from (the book) and maybe (get) some ideas on ways to heal,” she said. 

“If it helps even one person, it’s worth it.”

Anyone interested in buying the book can find it on Amazon, and 100% of the proceeds will be donated to the family of Arapahoe County Sgt. Nate Kyelberg, who’s been battling COVID-19 on a ventilator since January.  

For those contemplating suicide, please call the National Suicide Hotline at 1-800-273-8255.