Monday night, two self-absorbed nit wits stormed Coors Field to disrupt the Rockies 200th loss this season to molest the National League’s presumptive MVP, Ronald Acuna, Jr. They must be incarcerated. In fact, Denver’s laws need to be enhanced to make trespassing on the field, court, ice, etc., during a professional game a mandatory incarceration charge every single time — unless we prefer this increasing number of fan-driven hijackings of sporting events. This is an opportunity for another Gov. Polis-described “teaching moment” about how to influence human behavior in a law-abiding society.

Denver Police have charged the two “look at me” losers only with the probation-eligible charges of trespassing and disturbing the peace. It is noteworthy that there are no harassment or assault charges naming Acuna as a victim. It may be that Acuna did not wish to press charges — a luxury not extended to domestic violence victims on similar charges. Naming Acuna as a victim would potentially subject him to a future subpoena (out-of-state subpoenas are logistically challenging to get), compelling him to return to Colorado — not for yet another Braves victory against our “they-could-lose-100-games” Rockies, but to sit in court and be cross-examined by Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumber. That precedent would invite even more of this outlandish behavior. C’mon, Denver, Dinger was attacked earlier this year.

This needs to end. Finally. And it can. No changes need to the law need be made. Denver judges can immediately adopt a publicized practice of sentencing every one of these morons to city-paid-for housing that requires no tiny houses: jail. For a minimum of one month. Harsh? Maybe. Deserved? 100%.

The ridiculous cost and effort (my sweet goodness, the parking in Denver sucks so badly it screams “we don’t want you here”) to attend a major sporting event with friends or family should be enough to compel Denver judges to send any of these miscreants to jail loudly and proudly every time. Dufuses need warnings, so they should have them. Small, tasteful signs on the railing and periodically on the big screen can remind spectators “Get on the field, go to jail.”

Yet, something tells me that a city that has encouraged the application of the old convenience-store practice of “want a penny, take a penny” to its residents’ cars will likely woke its way into justifying — yet again — no bond, no jail and a fine that will do little other than grow government’s coffers on the eve of tricking us into voting away our TABOR refunds for eternity (PSA: Prop HH is a rip-off).

Absent judicial guts, there is a legislative fix. Amend the self-defense law to presume intent to cause imminent serious bodily injury or death by any spectator trespassing the field. Every person legally on the field would be a presumed victim capable of defending themselves — or others — from these maniacs. Over the PA system, Monte Burns’ voice would be heard announcing “release the hounds,” but instead of actual hounds, it would announce the free-for-all in permitting any amount of force to subdue and remove the weakest links in society. Instantly, the job of groundskeeper would be transformed into a bouncer from the Patrick Swayze classic “Roadhouse.” Large, tasteful signs would be posted at each entrance proclaiming “it has been __ games since the last trespasser was maimed.”

Wouldn’t the trespassers face potential long-term and serious injuries?, you ask. That is the question they must noodle through before leaping onto the field. Imagine the ancient-Rome-like environment created by the spectators throwing themselves in with the lions. It would be both a deterrent AND an incredible upgrade to the entertainment at Coors Field.

Everyone attending a major league game of any kind these days has been visually and intellectually bludgeoned by the between-innings/quarters nonsense on the jumbo-tron, including the ball-under-the-hat game. If you are north of 17 years old and you are yelling out “it’s 2! Number 2!,” over and over again, please consider leaving all of the multiple ballots you will be sent this November unvoted. Some ballots should not be harvested — they should die on the vine.

Here’s the good news for those in the Mile High city aghast at the idea that government should punish anyone other than those who overstay at a parking meter or fail to recycle: government would not be involved. It would be a citizen-led exercise of their right to self-defense.

You can still wave good-bye to the fine-receiving trespasser as he hobbles out of the courtroom.

Now, before you go run off and grab a group of unemployed or unionized friends to gather on an interstate somewhere shutting down traffic to protest the mere expression of a triggering idea, know that this is all in jest. The chances of creating a modern, self-selected Running Man at Coors Field is no more likely than Denver punishing lawlessness in a way that would deter it.

And that is the point. Both are equally unserious notions.

George Brauchler is the former district attorney for the 18th Judicial District. He also is an Owens Early Criminal Justice Fellow at the Common Sense Institute and president of the Advance Colorado Academy, which identifies, trains and connects conservative leaders in Colorado. He hosts “The George Brauchler Show” on 710KNUS Monday through Friday from 6 a.m. to 10 a.m. Follow him on Twitter: @GeorgeBrauchler.