The Rox ostensibly have crumbled since the Mesoproterozoic geological era and definitely during the Monfortproterozoic error.

CR was Royal-flushed in the ninth 6-5 by KC on Saturday. What a Surprise, Arizona!

In the past five seasons the Roxbottom Feeders have lost a Major League Baseball-high 504 games. They can become one of only five teams to lose 100 games in four consecutive years in the past 100 years.

However, thousands of tickets still are available for the Rox’s first home game as “two amazing seats” are offered for $384.

Next weekend the Blake Street Slugs will surpass the all-time 2,700-defeat total in the opening 2026 series against the Swills, who also arrived in ’93 as expansionists. In the 231 previous games pitting the pair, the Fish won 127 over the Foul. Neither has finished first in a division, but Miami has won two World Series. Colorado was shut out in one.

All could be forgiven by the Rockies’ dwindling distorted denizen of delusional Dick support if the Rox’s new leadership, new coaching staff, new players, new pitching and offensive attitudes and new approach to altitude results in a team that could hold its own against the Montgomery Biscuits and the Burlington Sock Puppets and maybe win over the Dodgers twice this season.

The Rox don’t have to reach the postseason to please people. They must, though, stop embarrassing the country’s premier professional sports state and humiliating themselves. The Rox aren’t owned by the Walton Family or the Elder and Younger Kroenkes, but all four of the Monforts, not to be confused with the three Stooges or the Marx Brothers, finally have admitted they can’t run a Slaughterhouse or a Party Deck.

At least the Rox now have some real pros in position.

They’ll probably drop a hundred but surely they won’t lose 22 straight series from September 2024 to June 2025. The Marlins became the first team to lose a series to the Rockies.

The four fresh men — Paul DePodesta, Josh Byrnes, Ian Levin and Tommy Tanous — have assembled a roster of coaches and players who actually act like somebodies who know somethings.

The Rockies could have a five-man starting rotation that could include every pitcher in his 30s this season – or six of seven potential starters from 30-37.

Last year the Rockies’ staff set the club record for worst earned run average and most pathetic performances.

Kyle Freeland will be the Opening Day starter for a record fifth time. But in ’25 the homie was bad and his help behind in the field and out of the bullpen was nonexistent for the team’s 32-year-old only left-handed starter who was 5-17 with a 4.98 ERA.

The Roxbottoms’ command staff acquired three 30-plus veterans in Michael Lorenzen, 34, Tomoyuki Sugano, 36, and Jose Quintana, 37, who were a combined 28-28 on other clubs in ’25. The fifth starter will be either Ryan Feltner (who will be 30 in September), injured for practically all of last season, or Chase Dollander, 24, who was 2-12 as a rookie starter. Most of the relievers are familiar. And funny. Seth Halvorsen had 11 saves and Victor Vodnik 10, but the closer could be Zach Agnos, impressive in Arizona. And former Rox ace starter who has been hurt and humbled (4-15), Antonio Senzatela, will be a long reliever-spot starter.

The potential position players aren’t all different. Catcher Hunter Goodman is returning from a spotlight season, and World Baseball Classic champion Ezequiel Tovar is healthy and at shortstop. Brenton Doyle, who struggled in ’25 after surging in ’24, is back in center, and Jordan Beck and Mickey Moniak are outfielders-designated hitters. Kyle Karros, whose father Eric was a world-class player, believes he will be a world-class third baseman. He’ll have to compete with the Rox’s best third baseman who is off the Colorado payroll at last and on the Arizona payroll.

Everyone will love Willi Castro, who will play every position but second violin.

Will the Rockies win? Yes, they’ll win more than the 43 of last year. A 59-103 record is right for a franchise whose radio alliance was wrong firing the No. 1 sports play-by-play broadcaster in Colorado. Shame.

The slogan: 2026, Gee-ology! Go Rox.